decisions decisions.

i have so many decisions to make. it was much easier to do this before i had a child and i took that for granted. i took it for granted that i didn’t have to think about anyone else when i made my decision. now every decision i think of making feels like the wrong one. feels like i’m not doing what is best for my child. i have no idea what to do. about anything anymore. none of it seems good enough.

i want to buy a house but maybe i’m rushing into it. i want to do something i enjoy but i don’t want to miss out on time with my child. i’m not sure what to do. sacrifice some time now for the long run? will it be worth it? i just don’t know and i have no idea how to lean more to one decision than another. i think i’m depressed, sometimes. most of the time. but idk that either. idk anything anymore.

I want my life to be a certain way but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. either way it goes i’ll be unhappy in some way. adulting sucks ass. i just wish some things were easier for me, situations should be different. i shouldn’t be in these situations but i got myself here so…

i didn’t do it on my own though. fucked up situations got me here too and idc what anyone says, everything foes not happen for a reason and some shit should not happen. most things yes i’m sure there’s a huge plan of all the things in our lives but some shit …no …it doesn’t belong in anyone’s life…ever.

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single mom or just single?

there was a time that i was naive and i thought that a woman could only be a single mom if she had absolutely no help from the child’s father. this was back in high school or earlier if i remember correctly. before life happened. now  i definitely don’t agree. however, i know people who still think that (none of them happen to have children interestingly enough).

don’t get me wrong, there are definitely levels to this whole single mom shit. okay not even just single mothers, single fathers too. single parents and shit. of course you have those people who are doing it all on their own with no help financially or otherwise with the child. i feel like that’s a no brainer, of course those individuals are single parents right?

but what about the mothers and fathers out there that are doing most of the work…and the other parent is “involved” either financially, physically there or both. my child’s father is involved with our kid..sees him at least once a week and pays for half of day care. so does that mean i’m not a single mother? i don’t agree with that statement. I’m not saying i’m doing this by myself but most of the time i am…

the best way for me to explain this would be to compare it to a job. for example, i work full time. the father is part time. my child is my entire life, everything revolves around him. but for the father, his child is an addition to his life, almost like an accessory at times in my opinion but that’s a different conversation for another day. so in no way shape or form are we equals in this.

i mean technically we are coparenting right? but it doesn’t feel like that to me. i mean is that ever really a thing especially at such a young age? i’m really not sure about that. but i still consider myself a single parent but maybe i’m using the wrong term…who knows.

that flew by.

well that last month really went by fast.  went back to work and that first day was definitely as terrible as I had anticipated, at least for me. my son did cry at first when i dropped him off but he really loves it there. I love how they send me pics throughout the day and literally tell me everything they do with him, diaper changes, naps, activities, etc. it makes me feel so much better. I went to visit him during my lunch on that first day but not after. It’s too hard to leave him multiple times in the same day. I still hate it.

I still have anxiety about it when he’s not with me but I’ve just accepted that’s how I’m going to be, at least for now. his dad and I had a long convo a few weeks back so i think we’re on the same page now, at least the same book. he has been doing better with spending time with him but i still don’t think he takes his role as a father seriously. I don’t see that happening for a while because he has a lot of maturing to do. Hopefully by the time my son can pick up on things he will have gotten it together.

I hate pumping at work it sucks. it’s such a job but i’m glad i can still breastfeed. i always worry about my supply now because it can get messed up so easily now. the doctor wants me to add formula to the breast milk because his weight has slowed down but i don’t want to do that. he hasn’t lost any weight so i don’t think it’s necessary. i added an oz to each bottle feeding he gets at daycare and i’m pumping for longer to get more fatty milk saved for him. we have another weight check in two weeks so we’ll see how it goes then and i’ll decide if the formula is necessary.

he hasn’t been sleeping too well lately so hopefully i can get a few hours when i go in there to lay down after this post. till next time, maybe another month. who knows.

 

things change.

last time I wrote I talked about reenlisting. That is still an option, that is still plan B. Obviously I prefer plan A of getting out and having a decent job that provides stability. I have been applying to some jobs with no luck. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m too early or I’m just not qualified. I just applied to a state job yesterday and I really pray I get it. I am qualified to do that job so I pray the timing is right or they can at least work with me. that would be the best if I could get that job. I would be more than comfortable and it would allow me to do what I want. I hate waiting. I’m so used to having a job it’s driving me crazy looking for one and anticipating. Not knowing.

I’m sad because my maternity leave is over tomorrow. I go back to work on Wednesday. I’m having really bad anxiety about leaving my baby all day. I’m just worried for him. He’s so used to me and I think he has stranger anxiety. He freaks out when anyone else talks to him but I’m hoping that was due to him being overtired and cranky. we just got a good schedule going last week so he has been sleeping so much better now.

I’m afraid he won’t eat with other people. I’m afraid he is going to be so sad wondering where I am. I wish I was rich and I wasn’t doing this by myself, I would totally be a stay at home mom. I just don’t want to miss anything. Ugh, I am just going to miss him so much. It’s good that he will get to socialize there but I’m not ready. I still plan on going to his daycare on my lunch breaks to feed him and check on him.

I’m so nervous. I wish things were different, I wish I wasn’t doing this by myself. And people say that I’m not because his dad is “involved” but that’s bullshit. Visiting for one or two hours once or twice a week does not mean I am not doing this by myself. I’m pissed because I thought we’d be a team, even if we weren’t together. I thought we’d be a team in this coparenting bullshit. But we’re not. He is just an occasional visitor who pays half of daycare. I’m grateful for that because he could be completely absent but that doesn’t mean what he is doing is enough, because it’s not.

not just me anymore.

I am feeling pretty sad these past few days because I have come to the realization that I probably won’t be getting out of the military soon. It’s just not in the best interest of my child. Getting a job making what I make right now with a bachelors is just not going to happen in my field in this area. I don’t even need to make what I make right now to be comfortable getting out but my degree probably won’t even get me to at least $35K starting out. That’s ridiculous to me but it’s the path I want to take so I have to do what’s best for my son. If it was just me, I would definitely get out and be fine. But I need the security of the military with a child if I’m going to get out. I need to feel 100 percent confident that I can provide for him and unfortunately I just don’t feel that way. It doesn’t look like a realistic goal.

So I’m probably going to reenlist for another four years and get my master’s degree while I’m still in that way when this enlistment is over I can just get out and know with confidence that I can provide a stable life for us. I am going to reenlist and request to stay in place that way I can go to the college I want to obtain my master’s. My biggest fear is that I get tasked for another deployment during this enlistment. I pray I don’t. I really pray I don’t because I’m going to lose my shit if I have to leave my son for that long. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take right now because I think it’s the best option for us right now. I’m hoping that I can move out of my office and go somewhere else, or to a different section like QA since I’ve done everything else. I would even be an ALS instructor (this is the instructor to become a supervisor in the military). That would allow me not to get deployed since it is a 4 year deal at the base.

Either way, I’m really sad about it because I’m really ready to get out but like I said, it’s not just about me anymore. I’m literally only making this decision for my son and I’m okay with that. I just hope that getting my master’s and saving as much as I can over the next four years will allow me to feel comfortable enough to get out once this enlistment is over. I say that because I might be able to get away with not deploying during this enlistment but I know if I were to stay in and retire I would definitely deploy again at least once and that’s just something I never want to do again.

well, once I get over my sadness with this decision I’ll be fine. I always am. And it’s for the best reason ever, my baby boy so it’ll be worth it for sure. This is my life now, making decisions for him and I’m perfectly okay with that even if it makes me sad sometimes.

levels of depression.

It’s hard to determine whether you’re depressed sometimes. I get it, there are times when it is abundantly clear. I have definitely been there. but there are other times that you are so busy with life, so busy going through the motions that you don’t really notice how sad you are until you have a moment to yourself. In these moments I ask myself if I’m really sad or just reflecting on what I haven’t had the chance to lately and that makes me upset? I don’t know. I have been so depressed that I felt like I couldn’t function. I literally have been so depressed that I didn’t function. But I feel like there is also this depression that allows you to function and go about your day but then it hits you at random times that you’re still fucked up. It reminds me of when I started medication after I literally couldn’t function with my PTSD. Have I mentioned I have PTSD before? I can’t remember, anyway if not another clue. The meds helped me a lot. It helped me get through the day without feeling miserable. But as soon as it was time to talk about my feelings or shed light on them, it would all coming rushing back but only until the conversation was over. Then I’d feel like a naive little girl again with no problems. That works for still living your life. I needed that to function. But I stopped taking the meds when I found out I was pregnant. I want to take them again but I’m breastfeeding and I definitely shouldn’t take the sleeping pill with a baby that needs me. I’m not sure. I’m worried about when I go back to work. I’ll be without my son and I don’t want to go back to the point where I can’t function. I need it to be like this, where I only realize in random moments that I’m fucked up. Or is this normal? I’m not sure what is considered a healthy way to feel? I don’t think I do particularly well with my emotions so feeling much of anything other than happy is generally a challenge for me. I don’t want to talk to my friends because I know what they’ll say. It’ll get better and blah blah blah. Which I’m sure it will. but I’m not there yet. Well, I’m getting my hair done today so maybe that will make me feel better…

lost and found post.

Found this on my computer from when I was pregnant.

I am alone most of the time. I literally go to work and come home. Watch TV or do homework. I barely talk to anyone on the phone. My “friends” barely hit me up. All of my “relationships” are dependent on me. I have to put the effort forth to ensure we keep in touch. I have to reach out and see if we can get together. Honestly, it’s annoying. It is so frustrating. Why is it always on me? If I don’t text my “friends” then I don’t hear from them. I get that everyone has their own lives and they are busy but damn. I honestly thought out of all times for the people in my life to be there for me, this would be it. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and alone. Literally alone. I live alone. My child’s father doesn’t want me. For whatever reason…I have stopped trying to figure the exact reason why he doesn’t want me because it is utterly depressing and super unproductive. So I thought I’d have more support from my friends. But at the end of the day nobody cares about me the way I care about me. And it’s not really on purpose, it’s not their fault. They’re just busy. Living their lives, being awesome mothers to their children and trying to stay sane. Just sucks that I don’t feel anyone puts forth the same effort I do. It really doesn’t happen with anyone in my life. I am always willing to drop every and anything I am doing for any person I care about. But who can do that for me? The people that are willing to do that literally can’t. I literally have no one in my life I can depend on the way the people in my life can depend on me. And I do it to myself honestly. I do too much. But I don’t know how else to be. I don’t have a gray area. It’s one extreme or the other with me. If I fuck with you, I got you no matter what even if you don’t have my back the same way. But as soon as I don’t fuck with you, that’s it. I’m a completely different person than I am when I fuck with you. I wish I had a happy medium because that would make life so much easier but I just don’t have it in me. I’m not sure what my life will be like. I know what I want to happen but I don’t see that happening, ever. I cannot wait to meet my son but I wish I had a different experience while being pregnant. I wish I got the opportunity to be vulnerable in this moment. I feel like this is a perfect time for me to embrace that but I can’t. More than ever, I feel like I have to be the opposite. I feel so guarded. I have to protect myself from everyone, not just his dad. I don’t trust anything anyone says anymore, it’s so annoying to me. I wish I believed someone when they said I got you but it’s kind of comical now. Like yeah …sure you do. I just take everything everyone says with a grain of salt. They are just words. People always show what they actually mean anyway. What’s really important to them shines through over their words in the end. I just have this urge to seclude myself, like I’ll just make it easier for everyone else. People come around when they need something. Or they randomly remember I exist. That’s my own fault I guess. I’m always good. I make sure everyone thinks I’m always good so I guess that has it’s downfalls, no one checks on me. And when they do, I feel like it’s fake so I just brush it off. This is going to be a journey with having a baby. I’m going to need to interact with others and I’m really not looking forward to that. I don’t want to need others for anything. I hate it. People always disappoint. I just type shit out I guess to make myself feel better but it really doesn’t change anything. Everything is the same. I wake up and it’s like groundhog day. My life is so boring without my son. I’m ready for my life to have purpose. Him. He’s going to motivate me to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. To reach out. Maybe that’s my problem. I am so stand offish that people have no idea how to be with me. Shit I don’t even know how to be with myself half the time. I have too much time. Too many thoughts. Too many reminders of what I don’t have and where I’m not in my life. Then I’m afraid I’m going to get so accustomed to how my life is now. Living by myself. Doing things on my own. Not depending on anyone for much. I’m not going to know how to act when it comes time to let those things happen. Who knows. I have a headache and heartburn though, guess I’ll go lay down and turn my phone back on. Doubt I’ll have any missed communication though lol…like why do I even pay for a phone at this point…till next time I guess. Who knows when that will be.  It’s the 19th btw.

This was two weeks before having my baby boy, and not much has changed. I still feel the same way but I am trying to reach out and make sure I don’t seclude myself even though that feels natural to me. I know I should have people come by or I should visit them, mostly for my son though.

When does it get easier?

So..yesterday was the first time I was away from my baby. Well since we left the hospital. He was in the NICU for 48 hours after the birth as a precaution because I had a fever. I was depressed then too. It just didn’t feel right not being pregnant and not having him with me either. I don’t know how people do it in hospitals where they don’t let the baby stay in the mother’s room. I would go crazy. I did go crazy. I was sad and I didn’t have an appetite the entire time which pissed me off because I was starving during labor and of course I wasn’t allowed to eat. But anyway, I decided to have his dad come over to our house and watch him for a couple hours while I left. I wanted the first time without me to be in his comfort zone, in our home. That made me feel more comfortable and I think it’s important to make sure he is as comfortable as possible. That’s my job as his mom, to make his life as easy I can make it. His dad gave me a hard time about it at first like he didn’t want to come here first but I didn’t care. He either was going to come stay with him here first or I was going to have my friends do it before I left him at anyone’s house. Especially since he isn’t even taking a bottle yet. He doesn’t like them. I have tried multiple different nipple types but he just isn’t having it yet. I am trying to get him used to them now so he won’t have such a hard time at day care. So it was rough. I cried leaving him and I cried in the car on the way to get my toes done. That’s all I did, got a pedicure and some food and came right back. I sat in the car for a little bit before even pulling off and I strongly considered turning back around. It just didn’t feel right, not being with him. Not having him with me. Felt like I was missing a part of me, because truthfully I was. I just hope it gets easier, at least for me. He didn’t seem too affected by it but I was literally only gone for two hours. And I facetimed before I came back to check on him. It’s crazy because I know it’s necessary for us to spend some time apart for my sanity and to get him used to it but damn, it sucks. I just feel like no one can take care of him the way I do, I’m his mom. I know other people love him and he will be well taken care of with other people but it doesn’t measure up to how I take care of him. That’s my opinion and I’m not saying it as a shot to anyone else but it’s just how I feel. No one will ever love him or care for him the way I do. Never. It scares me to think if something ever happened to me because I would be leaving him. So I’m hoping it’ll get easier on me. I am going to get my hair done in a couple of days and letting my cousin watch him while I do that and I know I’ll probably cry then too but I’m trying to do it once a week until I go back to work to get us both used to it. I know my first day back at work is going to be hell. I’m definitely going to go to his daycare during lunch to check on him and make myself feel better. He is starting to get really clingy and really recognize I’m mommy. Which I love but I know I have to get him used to not being comforted as much by me. I just let him go to sleep without me picking him up from crying. It was hard for me and even though it was only for a couple minutes, literally, it felt like eternity. It broke my heart because I just want to pick him up and make him feel better. But part of making his life easier includes not getting him used to that because I won’t always be able to pick him up and soothe him. So I’d rather him get used to it when I’m around rather than wait and have him experience it for the first time at daycare and away from me. But I question myself but I guess that’s what it means to be a parent. Wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Am I trying to get him accustomed to this too early? Am I damaging his sense of security? But if I continue to soothe him immediately and every time how does that damage him? It’s a never ending battle within. I just try to give myself limits I guess. Only let him cry for five to ten minutes before soothing him and putting him back down. Repeating it until he falls asleep. Parenting, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I literally just got started. This will be a journey for sure but I’m ready for it and I know it’s my purpose in life.

hate it when he is right.

My dad and I have a good relationship. We have had so many ups and downs though. He tends to push everyone away. Anyone who has a different opinion than him. In that moment he becomes a child. He is petty. He has a tit for tat mindset and he has no shame. He knows it and he is happy to stay that way. He is set in his ways. I truly think he is racist deep down. Btw, my dad is white and my mom is black. Clue here. But not the kind of racist that openly treats people of color worse than white people. Not the kind that wants to preserve the white race. It’s like a defiant bratty way of thinking towards people of color. It’s like he is jealous of their oppression. It’s very odd I must say. He makes it seem like white people are the oppressed now. He believes strongly in generalizations. Which in fact is the exact reason why I hate generalizations. I hate them so much because he has so many. But anyway, with all of that I still love him. He is my dad and I used to think he was perfect. And honestly he was in my world when I was a child. Which is the way it should be right? Children should think the world of their parents, that’s what I believe anyway. My dad was a great, amazing, damn near perfect dad until I could form my own opinion. He isn’t so great at being great to adult children but he has come a long way. He hasn’t cut me off in a couple of years so that is truly progress. So I hate when he is right. I hate when he tells me someone is a certain way before they even show me and he is right. I hate it. Not because I need to be right. Not because it’s him. But because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that he is right. I’m still going to be me. I hate that about me sometimes. There are times that I do wish I believed in generalizations because it would save me so much heartache. It would save me so much stress. But it doesn’t matter that he is right and that’s unfortunate for me. I am still going to try and see the good in people. I am still going to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am still going to fall in love with the potential someone has rather than what they can offer me right here, right now. But I wish life would change me. I wish I could be bitter. I wish I could hate all men and truly think the world was hopeless. It would save me so much. But I can’t let it change me. So instead I need to make sure I don’t give the wrong people a chance. And I am clearly bad at deciding who the right people are so for now I need to take a break. Maybe get to know myself better in the mean time. Really enjoy my son. Look to the future, with my career and providing a life for us. I just hate when he is right so I have to take this break from choosing the wrong people because I don’t want him to be right again. And it seems the only way to do that is to stop giving him the opportunity. Stop giving myself the chance to be let down yet again. I’m not good at choosing the right people. I don’t know why. I don’t know but I’m terrible at it and it terrifies me now. It scares me to think I will never be able to choose the right person for me, for my son, for us. But I need to step back. I need to protect myself and most importantly I need to protect my son. I have to make sure the next time my dad is right, it is about something good.

3.5/3.5

As you can see, this next one doesn’t even count as a whole piece in the memory bank. That’s because he wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t for one minor very important detail about him. Which is the fact that we have a child together. When I started this a couple months ago, I was still pregnant. Another clue. My child is here now and that’s why I haven’t been writing lately. Anywho..about this mfer. So, after the last guy I definitely was not looking for a relationship…AT ALL. I was really trying to get over being all vulnerable and what not which I think I was actually doing a great job of. I purposely talked to this guy knowing it wasn’t going anywhere because that’s not what either one of us wanted. And he was told he couldn’t have kids…and well we got complacent in that statement…and I got pregnant and here we are. Well he is a blip in my memory bank because everything was cool between us, we were still fucking with each other for a couple weeks after I told him I was pregnant. Surprisingly to me he was super excited and seen our child as a blessing. I was not as pleased right away. For one, I cried my eyes out. I literally sobbed with one of my closest friends in the room and I felt bad for her because she was excited but I was not and she didn’t know what to do. She tried to hug me, tried to be touchy feely but I just was not ready for all that. I was extremely upset because I knew as soon as I saw those positive pregnancy tests that I would have to extend my time in the military. It would be stupid to get out months before having a baby when the military could pay for it and I could be comfortable financially. Anyway..I was upset. He was excited. I was just starting to get used to the idea of me being pregnant when this mfer started acting weird. Distant. He used to facetime me all the time, tell me to come over to his place and even visit him in his office, often. But that all stopped. Kind of abruptly and I tried to brush it off at first. I thought oh I’m just feeling emotional because of the hormones. But then it became abundantly clear that he was being distant when he told me he didn’t want me to come over….so I asked him if we were good and he said yeah…but he wasn’t answering the question the way I wanted him to. He knew what I meant but he tried to blow it off so I asked directly if we were still talking and he said he didn’t know. wtf. he didn’t know. he pulls back when things get too routine. wtf. too routine? what did he think we were getting ourselves into with having a child together? I mean seriously. That’s literally what having a child is all about. Routines mother fucker. Routines. then it hit me. I’m about to do this shit alone. yeah he’ll be “involved” but it’s going to be me. ME. by myself. the person who didn’t want kids. definitely not before I was married and that definitely wasn’t happening. so for almost my entire first trimester I wasn’t sure. I kept going back and forth between keeping the baby and not…I know women do this by themselves all the time, literally with no help or involvement from the father and I know I could do it, there’s no doubt about it but I just realllllly didn’t want to. I still don’t but it’s life. We argued about it. he wanted me to keep the baby, of course because it’s an easy decision for him you know? It’s not his body, not his life that is literally changing forever. Our son is an addition to his life, an accessory, something he does part time. Our son is EVERYTHING to me. He is my life. I am full time. It saddens me that my child will not grow up with both his parents in his life every single day, every single night. I know it’s not the end of the world and he will be fine. I know that it’s good that his father will be “involved” in his own way or whatever. But isn’t it normal to want better for your children than you had? And I can’t even give my son that. I can’t even give my son what I had growing up. I already feel like I failed as a mother in that aspect and I will always feel guilty about making the conscious choice to have sex with a man who definitely never would step up to that. However, I am grateful I made that decision because it resulted in me finding my purpose in life. my son. he is my whole life and I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life than raising him. But more to come on him. Back to his dad..I guess the point of including him in all this is to show that even though we were never together he definitely has made a huge impact on my life. And the woman I am. How I’m guarded, once again. Not just because of him of course but he definitely has a piece in all this. Yeah we never said we were together, we actually both said we didn’t want a relationship. But why was he the one that treated me like his girl? Facetiming me when I’m not there to “show me he’s not doing anything”? Not necessary. Literally calling me his girl to his friends and shit. Having me come to his office and stupid flag football games. Confiding in me during long talks and shit. Staying over and not even having sex everytime.  That is not what a non-relationship looks like even if you don’t have the title, even if you are screaming it’s not what you want. It wasn’t just sex, or at least that’s what he made it seem like. And maybe that’s just because he is manipulative and he thought that’s what he needed to do to make me feel comfortable to continue to allow him to use me. Because let’s face it, that’s all he did anyway. It was a rough time in his life and he needed to fuck with a girl who was stable, boring and fucking routine dammit. And that’s definitely me. So once that phase of his life was over, he got bored with me a month later. Honestly surprised it didn’t happen sooner. And he was a bitch about it, he was passive instead of direct. Which I can’t respect. I shouldn’t have to ask you about it to clear things up. You should be a man and let me know yourself. Now he’s annoying to me. I don’t want to talk to him if it’s not about our son. There’s no point in conversing on any other topic because I know he doesn’t care. I know what it feels like when he cares. and this fake conversation bullshit definitely isn’t it. I don’t believe a word he says. Not because I think he is lying but because he just doesn’t hold up. His word doesn’t mean shit. He’ll do what he says as long as it’s convenient for him. He is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life. And the one thing I need him to understand is that his son should NEVER think that about him. Out of all the people in his life, his son needs to believe his dad is one of the most selfless people. That is our job as parents and I don’t think he gets that. It’s going to be a long journey, I can tell but I am never going to try and let my emotions towards him affect the relationship he has with our son. Hopefully he grows up because he needs to understand his affect on our son’s life and take it seriously. Well.. that’s the end of these pieces for now.